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Thursday, August 9, 2018

Here is a Catch up Post because I uh Suck

So I seem to have sucked this year, lol I have read a bunch, but I haven't really written much about them, it is silly to a single post for each book, so I'm going to do a mass one and be better in the future I swear.  (fingers crossed behind my back)


Alice Takes Back Wonderlandby David D. Hammons (Read 2/27/18 to 3/6/18) – 3 Stars
Alice Takes Back Wonderland  I got this in a book box a few years ago, and it was ok.  It brought in too many other fairy tale characters and made it all very complicated 


The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics by Lundy Bancroft (Read 3/6/18 t0 3/20/18) – 3 Star
The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics  I read this one because of how much I learned from the angry men book, but it was just very dry and text book like. It also repeated a lot of what I had already read in a much more technical jargon style.


Contact by Carl Sagan (Read 3/9/18 to 3/23/18) – 4 Star
Contact  This was an ok read, a little dense.


The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair that Changed America by Erik Larson (Read 3/23/18 to 4/3/18) – 3 Star
The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair that Changed AmericaThis was a really hard book for me.  I thought the information was great, but the stories didn’t really interconnect for me, so I think I would have liked it much better if it had been 2 separate books.


The Taster by V.S. Alexander (Read 0 4/4/18 to 4/10/18) – 3 star
The Taster This is a #OnceUponABookClubBox book.  I really enjoyed this book, but I love WWII historical fiction.  I enjoyed the twists that not everyone was as clear cut in their roles as it seemed.


RoverandomJ.R.R. Tolkien (Read 3/25/18 to 4/24/18) – 3 Star
Roverandom  I actually didn’t enjoy this book, the story was a little too disjointed for me, but I bet my kids would love it.  Which is who it is aimed at.

Love Is a Choice: The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships by Robert Hemfelt (Read 4/10/18 to 4/25/18) – 3 Star
Love Is a Choice: The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy RelationshipsThis was a hard book to make it through.  There was a lot of Christian teachings, and it really bogged things down for me.  Lots of bible verse and trust in God.  I actually felt after reading this book that my assessment from the Lundy book was correct, that I wasn't truly a co-dependent, so much did not apply to me.  IF you could make it through all the religious muck, it did have some good points about boundaries.  Also that being a helpful person, doesn't automatically make you an enabler, the extent that you go to help makes you an enabler.



The House on Harbor Hill by Shelly Stratton (Read 4/29/18 to 4/30/18) – 4 Star
The House on Harbor Hill This is a #OnceUponABookClubBox book.  This was another winner for me, the characters were great and I enjoyed seeing how their stories unfolded.


The Scribe of Siena by Melodie Winawer (Read 5/1/18 to 5/14/18) – 2 star
The Scribe of SienaI hated this book!  I did not like the characters, the story had no movement.  The only reason this got the 2 stars was because the scenery was written very well.




The Kreutzer Sonata and Other Short Stories by Leo Tolstoy (Read 4/26/18 t0 5/25/180 – 1 Star
The Kreutzer Sonata and Other Short Stories  I didn’t enjoy this book at all. It was sooo dry.


What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty (Read 6/2/18 to 6/10/18) – 5 Star
What Alice Forgot I loved this book like most of Moriarty’s books, I couldn’t wait to see who she choose.


Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-proof Girls in the Early Grades by Michelle Anthony (Read 5/27/18 to 6/13/18) – 2 Star
Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-proof Girls in the Early Grades It seemed to repeat things I already knew, so I didn’t find it helpful at all, but maybe I am a better tuned in parent than I thought.


Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of the Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped Win the Space Race by Margot Lee Shetterly (Listened 6/12/18 to 6/18/18) – 4 Star
Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of the Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped Win the Space Race This remined me of Devil in the White City, it was far more facts than story.  I enjoyed it, but I think it would have been better for me to read than to listen, I could have kept characters straight better I think.


The Lightning Thief (Percy Jackson and the Olympians, #1) by Rick Riordan (Read 1/17/18 to 6/18/18) – 5 Star
The Lightning Thief (Percy Jackson and the Olympians, #1)I read book with my son's class in school, so the progress was very slow.  I really enjoyed the story though.


The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel (Read 6/13/18 to 6/19/18) – 3 Star
The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself

On Basilisk Station (Honor Harrington, #1)by David Weber (Read 6/16/18 to 6/26/18 ) – 5 Star
On Basilisk Station (Honor Harrington, #1)  This was recommended by my boyfriend, and I loved it.  The characters were great and it reminded me of historical fiction in space!


Britt-Marie Was Here by Fredrik Backman (Listened 6/19/18 to 6/27/18) – 3 Star
Britt-Marie Was Here  This was great to listen to, and Britt-Marie was a great expansion of a character from My Grandmother told me tell you she was sorry. I really enjoyed reading about the most hated character, it was fun to see she was the way she was for various reasons.


Lose Your Mummy Tummy by Julie Tupler (Read 6/20/18 to 6/29/18) – 2 Star
Lose Your Mummy Tummy  Eh…seems a bit like bunk to me.  LOL so I still have my mummy tummy.


Heartstoneby Elle Katharine White (Read 6/27/18 to 6/29/18) – 4 Star
Heartstone  This was a fun read.  It’s Pride and Prejudice with Dragons!


Belzharby Meg Wolitzer (Read 6/30/18 to 7/3/18) – 4 Star
Belzhar  Wow, I knew the twist sort of from the start, but the way it was reached was a fun tangle of a story.


The Lost for Words Bookshop by Stephanie Butland (Read 7/3/18 to 7/5/18) – 5 Star
The Lost for Words Bookshop  This is a #OnceUponABookClubBox book.  I LOVED this book.  It really took some warming for me to like Loveday. But my book club and I decided that was the point, Butland wrote her that way on purpose.  I really liked all the characters, even the “bad guys” were well written and well developed.  There were some twists and turns that kept me guessing throughout the entire book.


Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward (Read 7/6/18 to 7/13/18) – 4 Star
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You This is just another great book about how I got to where I was, not as relevant because I have moved on so much.


Murder on the Orient Express (Hercule Poirot, #10)by Agatha Christie (Listened 7/13/18 to 7/14/18) – 3 Star
Murder on the Orient Express (Hercule Poirot, #10)  I was bored, I don’t think the audio book did the story justice.


The Honor of the Queen (Honor Harrington, #2)by David Weber (Read 7/14/18 t0 7/17/18) – 4 Star
The Honor of the Queen (Honor Harrington, #2) The next book in the series, it had its slow parts, but was still really great.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen...and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber (Read 7/5/28 to 7/19/18) – 3 Star
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen...and Listen So Kids Will Talk Haha so much of the same stuff other parenting books have said, some good ideas of how to make some changes.  Some of conversation tips were nice ideas.  But not much more than be involved and talk to your children, make them feel important, and show an interest in what they say. Why do we have to be told to do this. 


The Lost Vintage by Ann Mah (read 7/20/18 to 7/22/18) – 5 Star
The Lost Vintage  This is another #OnceUponABookClubBox book.  I devoured this book, and drank a glass of wine as I did so.  I really enjoyed the twists and turns and the character development.  I wouldn’t say this was as heavy as the Taster, but it was still great.


The Ruined City by John Wilson (Read 7/22/18 to 7/29/18) – 2 Star
The Ruined City  This was received as an Advanced Reader Copy through Librarything.com Early Reviewers program from @orcabook.  This had a slow beginning for me, I really had a hard time getting into the book, and I never did truly connect with the characters.  However, I am not the age of the target audience.  I do feel that it would be appropriate for my 9 year old son to read, some of the names may cause some issues for his reading level, but I think the story will be at his level.  As I said, I never felt like I got into a good pace on this book, and then when the story did pick up it was suddenly over.  I do think however that this will translate into a good movie, and when/if it does come out, I plan to see it.



The Short Victorious War (Honor Harrington #3) by David Weber(Read 7/29/18 to 8/9/18/18) – 4 Star
The Short Victorious War (Honor Harrington, #3)I’m really enjoying this series.  I admit some of the military jargon and details overwhelms me some.  And I think for future books I will need a notepaper with the ship name and captain name to keep the information straight in my head, I got a little confused this time. I fully understand why my boyfriend likes these books so much, the military details are great, the tactics and weapons and political environment of a military agency seems right on the dot to me.  What I like about it however is the characters, they grow with each book, they are engaging and interesting to read about.  I am starting to really get a feel for Honor and Webber has her acting true to her nature, just as I feel she should.  I really hate in series when they have the characters act differently than the previous books indicate they should.

Gumshoe on the Loose (Mortimer Angel, #3) by Rob Leininger (Read 5/25/18 to 5/26/18) – 3 Star

Gumshoe on the Loose (Mortimer Angel, #3)
Disclaimer…I was a little critical of this book, I am an IRS Agent that lives in the Reno, and that influenced my opinion ALOT. 

Opinions expressed are solely my own and do not express the views or opinions of the US Government. None of the ideas expressed in this blog post are shared, supported, or endorsed in any manner by my employer.

So I liked the story, it was a nice easy read. The plot moved along nicely. Things seemed a bit unfinished at the end but it was an ending. I really liked the Reno details, he was spot on for directions and areas, it was great to read. In fact, I probably would have picked up his other books if he wasn’t such an asshole about the IRS. That probably won’t bother anyone else, but it really detracted from the story for me. I know the IRS has a bad reputation, and we get a lot of negative commentary from the media, congress, and just people in general. But the way he portrayed us, as heartless souls suckers was too much for me. The people I work with have some the most generous hearts, and I (and I know some of my co-workers) believe that we are providing a service for our country. We are doing our duty and providing the funding for all the things everyone love, parks, roads, clean water, and yes government functions. I don’t personally know any IRS agents that are as cold and heartless and awful as Mr. Leininger made us out to be. It was really hard to read because of that. As a result, I will not read any more in this series, and probably none of his other books. It’s bad enough I see my career, that I am very proud of, smeared in the news on regular basis, I refuse to read about it in a book I picked up for pleasure.

Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lundry Bancroft (Read 2/25/18 t0 3/4/18) – 5 Star

This was an amazing book!  It made me rethink so many things.  This is one of the first books that has said that I am not a co-dependent or in some way enabled the abuse to happen.  In the introduction it said “Counseling men is difficult work.  They are usually very reluctant to face up to the damage that they have been causing women, and often children as well, and hold tightly to their excuses and victim blaming.”  I have felt that way often about my ex-husband, that it didn’t seem anything was helping him and he wasn’t taking any responsibility for HIS actions, but so many books put partial blame on me, that I enabled this behavior somehow. Near the end of the book where Bancroft is talking about abusive men changing he said “there are no shortcuts to change, no magical overnight transformations, no easy way outs.  Change is difficult, uncomfortable work.”  “The men who make significant progress in my program are the ones who know that their partners will definitely leave them unless they change, and the ones on probation who have a tough probation officer who that really demands they really confront their abusiveness.”  I hope and pray my ex’s probation officer is tough, for my children’s sake because I have left and that wasn’t motivation enough.  There were so many point made in this book that hit home with me, points that confirmed ways I already felt, and points that put words to things I had been unable to describe.  I absolutely recommend this book to anyone that has been in an abusive relationship.

The Legend of Sleepy Hollow by Washington Irving (Listened to 3/1/18) - 2 Star

This was a quick audiobook filler. The story is what I remembered from high school.  It was a nice light quick story.  I didn’t like it anymore or any less this time around.

Saturday, May 26, 2018

The Golem and the Jinni by Helene Wecker (Read 5/15/18 to 5/23/18) - 3 star

This was my BOTM book for May.  I didn’t like this book. It dragged for me, the characters fell flat and the concept was ok, I just couldn’t seem to get into it though. So my thing is that the jinni fell in love with the golem, and I think the golem fell in love with the jinni but it was all so vague. I can see the sequel set up, I’m just not sure I want to read it.

Year One by Nora Roberts (Read 4/16/18 to 4/23/18) - 5 Star

Ok so...I happen to have become a Nora Roberts fan in the last few years, of both her romance and non-romance series.  That being said, I’m loving this book! One of the things I like about her writing is what I find to be an easy storytelling style.  This isn’t her first foray into witchcraft as a theme either. I didn’t want to put it down I was hooked.  I feel like it’s a softer version of The Stand, but with a supernatural virus beginning instead of government gone wrong. Most apocalyptic books don’t do lead up to the characters, it’s boom the world is dying how do you react? I like the characters, I want to know more    Oh and did anyone but me catch the dog they went out with patient one on his walk was named Bilbo.  
In our book club, there were some comments that the characters were not well developed.  Personally, I feel that she develops her characters quite well. They are not hard core, deeper meaning literary characters. To me they are more fun, it’s a good story with good characters, there isn’t a bigger picture besides the joy of telling a story. It’s a nice change sometimes for me.  
I really liked this book, Roberts has a style, she likes to write trilogies. Each book will probably follow the perspective of a different person, but they will all intertwine. I’m really looking forward to the book coming out later this year, it will be from Fallon’s perspective as she comes into her power.
I can see the comparison to the stand and the power players being set up, even though Lana left New Hope I don’t think those characters are completely gone.

Sea of Rust by C. Robert Cargill (Read 2/1/118 to 2/17/18) - 5 Stars

This was recommend by my boyfriend, and it was great.  Think post-apocoplyse but we didn't make it.  It was great.  The story was engaging and interesting. I really liked the characters, the robots were funny and engaging and made you think about the world around you.  When all the humans were gone the machines gained humanity, but no necessarily the good parts of our humanity.

Sunday, February 25, 2018

The Great Alone by Kristin Hannah (Read 2/22/18 to 2/25/18) - 5 Stars


This was my February Once Upon a Book Club Book.  I loved it!
It is set in Alaska in 1974 and moves forward to the 80's.  Ernt Allbright, a former POW, comes home from the Vietnam war a changed and volatile man. When he loses yet another job, he makes an impulsive decision: he will move his family north, to Alaska, where they will live off the grid in America’s last true frontier.  His 13-year old daughter Leni and wife Cora must learn a whole new way of life, and learn how to truly become survivors.
It was beautifully written an a joy to read.  I got really drawn into the story, and at times couldn't put it down.  It was heartbreaking and beautiful.  I admit, I cried the entire last 30 pages. 

Asurmen: The Darker Road (Warhammer 40,000) by Gav Thorpe (Listened on 2/22/18) - 3 Star

This is another Warhammer 40,000 book, but this time I listened to it as an audio book, it is short about an hour long.  The Phoenix Lord Asurmen joins the warriors of the craftworld Ulthwé on a quest to the Crone Worlds in search of the oracle Hiron-athela. It is believed that this being holds an artefact that could safeguard Ulthwé's future.  
This was an ok book, it had a great radio dramatic feel that was a bit distracting from the story, too much background music.  But it was fun to listen to.  I was disappointed that there were no flashback to after the fall and when Asurmen was becoming the Phoenix lord.

Children Who See Too Much: Lessons from the Child Witness to Violence Project by Betsy McAlister Groves (Read 2/16/18 to 2/21/18) - 2 Star

Betsy Groves works with children traumatized by witnessing violence. In this book she shows how children understand, respond to, and are affected by violence, especially domestic violence. She uses clinical case studies to show that being young does not protect against the lasting effects of witnessing violence.  I thought it would be a far more enlightening read than it was, I felt like it a giant brochure for her program, Child Witness to Violence Project.  There was so much about the program and not enough about the children and effects/solutions.  I was very disappointed.

For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn (Read 2/11/18 to 2/14/18) - 2 Star

I don't remember why I put this book on my TBR pile.  It was an ok read, it was just very obvious stuff to me.  The data from her questionnaires, was interesting and confirmed so much of what I felt I already knew.  The inner lives of men, is really not that big of a mystery.  Love Languages was a much more enlightening book.  Maybe I read them out of order.

Saturday, February 10, 2018

Jain Zar The Storm of Silence by Gav Thorpe (Read 1/30/18 to 2/10/18) 4 Star

This is a book about a character from the table top game Warhammer 40,000.  It was a gift from my boyfriend, because I like the characters the Eldar.  I have read one other book in the same universe by the same author and I had a really hard time getting through it.  But this one was much better, I really liked how it gave some history of how the character became who they are, and had some nice battles in the present day.  It was a really good mixture of action and storyline.  I was able to easily connect with the main character, and really liked her.  I also really liked her characters attributes etc, I just wish the models were more appealing to me.  It had a nice even flow, and the battles were detailed, but a non-player could enjoy the book too.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Children and Trauma: A Parent's Guide to Helping Children Heal by Cynthia Monahon (Read 1/24/18 to 1/30/18) - 2 Stars

I had picked this book up, thinking it would help me help my children through the trauma of the divorce and all the ugliness before it.  But I felt that this was not the book I thought it was.  It said it was for parents of children who are traumatized by disasters, accidents, or violence.   So I was thinking my children seeing my Ex's abuse of me and destruction of our home, then his attack on my father constituted violence.  I wasn't wrong, but this is for children who are much more traumatized than mine.  It had some interesting insights and tips for helping children, but I felt like it was for parents who had truly been traumatized by horrific things and in comparison mine were just fine, healing quite nicely thank you.
I think that for what the book actually is, Monahon did a great job providing support, suggestions and tips for parents to help their children.  It was very comprehensive, with case examples, some of the case examples were really hard to read.  If your child has been in a hurricane, car accident, kidnapped, seen someone die, etc this is the book for you.  If your child is suffering from some lower-grade trauma, divorce, changing schools, death of a pet, well this may not be the book for you.

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood (Read 1/21/18 to 1/24/18) - 5 Star

I had some very mixed feelings going into this book.  It was recommended to me 3-4 years or so ago by my therapist, and I have only now gotten around to reading it.  Even though I stopped therapy 2 years ago this month.  I was nervous to read this book, scared that I haven't come as far in my healing as I felt I had, that it would show me how much further I have to go.  And I am scared to write this review, because my reading showed me that the woman who this book would have helped 3 years ago, isn't the woman I am today, but I still need to be vigilant and continue on my path.  I feel that I have set a standard of honesty in my blogging, when I first set up my blog my goal was to post my honest opinions about ALL the books I read.  The last few years have been a bit sporadic.  I barely blogged at all last year.  But I re-commited my self this year, and I feel that I need to live up to that commitment.  I'm fully aware there are few if any regular readers, so commitment is not for others.  I felt that by skipping this book because it makes me uncomfortable, would be reverting back to old behaviors, that I would be hiding from instead of facing the truth.  I know that there is also shame involved, shame of who I was and I don't want everyone to know that "bad" part of my past.  But I feel, right or wrong, that skipping this review would be regressing for me.  And I have fought too hard and long, and done so much work on my healing process to back slide now.  But be prepared, this is going to be a very personal review.
This book is about examining relationships, and how a person, mostly women, participate in those relationships in an unhealthy way.  I loved my ex-husband too much, he wasn't the worst one I had loved too much, but he was the one that I changed after. The entire book was like reading my journey in the 4 years that followed, 2 years of very intense, very regular therapy, and then 2 more years of continuing the growth and the skills I had learned and application of them, to reaching where I am now.  I understand why my therapist wanted me to read this, it describes the way my marriage was at the end far to perfectly.  The preface spoke to my state of mind when I started seeing her in 2014, "Indeed that both were literately dying of their addictions, he from effects of chemical abuse, she from the side effects of extreme stress."  I still cringe at calling myself addicted to love, it has such negative connotations in my mind, but just because I don't like it doesn't make untrue. 
The book  says "Loving too much does not mean loving too many men, or falling too often, or having to great a depth of genuine love for another.  It means, in truth, obsessing about a man and calling that obsession love, allowing it to control your emotions ad much of your behavior, realizing that it negatively influences your health and well-being, and yet finding yourself unable to let go.  It means measuring the degree of your love by the depth of your torment."  That was me, maybe not the way I viewed myself but me.  
There are 15 characteristics of a woman who loves too much.  Some of them I fully agree with, some of them I feel like are not really applicable to me.  But lets look at them:
  1. "Typically, you come from a dysfunctional home in which your emotional needs were not met."  Yes, I absolutely did.  I faced the falling apart of my family, in a very long drawn out and very high conflict way, starting at about the age of 8.  I had no financial security because we were constantly on the verge of loosing our home.  I couldn't trust my family members to not betray or lie to me, not even my parents.  My parents themselves, made me a full working partner of the conflict, and put the burden of making adult decisions, in the form of a "vote" on shoulders that were far too young and far too immature to handle it.  So we have all this emotional and financial issues at home, then we pile on it a large amount of bullying at school.  To me it felt extreme, but I am not sure that the word is appropriate in today's world, I sadly hear about children on the news the have it much worse than I did.  But in my life, from 1st grade until about my sophomore/junior year of high school,  going to school was hell.  There were times I was physically ill because I couldn't handle the abuse of the other children and it would get me sent home and away from them.  I never did contemplate suicide, nor in the 80's/90's was that something my bullies told me to do.  They just enjoyed making me feel small and stupid and ugly.
  2. "Having received little real nursing yourself, you try to fill this unmet need vicariously by becoming a care-giver, especially to men who appear in some way needy."  I was the perfect child.  I did not get in trouble at school and I always did what I was told.  We lived on a 50-acre working ranch, and both my parents worked full time off the ranch by around age 11.  So I became a latch-key kid with a lot of responsibility.  I had a lot of chores around the ranch, not that chores are bad, but there was a large amount.  I was responsible for not only daily cooking, cleaning, and laundry in the house.  But because we had animal I was in charge of daily feeding, milking, cleaning barns and lots of other regular animal maintenance.  All of my friends knew that if they wanted me to be able to go out to do things they would have to come assist in my "chores" before I could go.  Outside chores would usually take me 3-4 hours a day to complete then I would need to cook dinner and clean up after dinner.  Somewhere in there I need to find time for homework too, because I needed to maintain my A average.  Because if I was perfect, then everything would be ok.  My sense of self worth was a result of the carrying responsibilities that were very nearly beyond my capabilities as a child,  I earned approval by working hard, taking care of others and sacrificing my own wants and need to others.  I was a great martyr.
  3. "Because you were never able to change your parent(s) into the warm, loving caretaker(s) you longed for, you responded deeply to the familiar type of emotionally unavailable man whom you can again try to change through your love."  My dad is a quiet man, he doesn't express feelings of love, he was always willing to give a hug or tease, but he rarely would compliment or say he loved me.  My mom was always cold, but the longer the situation at home, the fight for our ranch, carried on the more distant and colder she became.  She shut down, and sadly she is a very closed and bitter woman today.  Sometimes it is still hard to be around her.
  4. "Terrified of abandonment, you will do anything to keep a relationship from dissolving."  Absolutely, I had a bad habit of holding on far too long, and way past a relationships expiration date.  
  5. "Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time, or is too expensive if it will 'help' the man you are involved with."  I threw money at my ex-husband and our relationship that was unreal, expensive gifts and trips we couldn't really afford, anything to "make him happy."
  6. "Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, you are willing to wait, hope, and try harder to please."  Again, I would do anything for the person I was with.  If I could just wait it out, if I just had faith in our love, if I worked just a little harder, it would all be ok and we could be happy. 
  7. "You are willing to take far more than 50 percent of the responsibility, guilt, and blame in any relationship."  It took my therapist a long time to convince me that I was not 100% responsible for the issues in marriage, that I had no control over his choices, and that my choices were not directing his.
  8. "Your self-esteem is critically low, and deep inside you do not believe you deserve to be happy.  Rather, you believe you must earn the right to enjoy life."  I was "like many women who love too much, she was obviously a very responsible person, a high achiever who was succeeding in many areas of her life but who nevertheless had low self-esteem."  I did not believe I was worthy of love, I did not believe I was lovable, I saw my self as an ugly, stupid, horrible woman.  Between the bullying in school and my rapist and his verbal abuse, I was shattered and all I could see was the broken ugly edges of myself. It took me a a very long time to love myself, and sometimes I still don't.  
  9. "You have a desperate need to control your men and your relationships, having experienced little security in childhood.   You mask your efforts to control people and situations as 'being helpful'."  I would go to extreme lengths to "help and support" him, which in actuality meant I enabled him, and was controlling.  Because making him "live up to his potential" I was rescuing him, which made me the hero, and I could control (or at least thought I could control) the damage he could do to me.  I should not have been surprised our relationship imploded.  
  10. "In a relationship, you are much more in touch with your dream of how it could be, than with the reality of your situation."  It was this dream of a perfect marriage that I was chasing, the perfect family yada yada yada.  I kept up the illusion very well and rarely let other see the issues inside my home.  In fact, my divorce came as a complete shock to some since I had done such a good job of keeping up the illusion of a happy marriage.
  11. "You are addicted to men and to emotional pain."  This is the hardest one for me to relate to, I did have quite a string of poor choices for partners in a row, and they did cause me a lot of emotional pain.  But it is the word addict that I shy away from, that is still the hardest for me to claim.
  12. "You may be predisposed biochemically as well as emotionally to abusing drugs, alcohol, and/or certain foods, usually sugary ones." I have never had an alcohol or drug abuse issue.  I drink, but not excessively, and my dislike of drugs (even just weed) was a major fight with my ex-husband constantly.
  13. "By being drawn to people with problems that need fixing, or being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain, and emotionally painful, you keep from focusing on your responsibility to yourself."  I focused on building my ex-husband up, his teenage years had been very awful, drug problems, getting kicked out of his house at 16.  I felt he just needed someone to show him how great he was and he could shine.  As the marriage fell apart I focused on our relationship, and fixing it rather than looking at myself, because looking at myself meant I had to face my own demons.  My role in my marriage was to understand, encourage, and improve my ex-husband.  That doesn't sound so awful does it, but it doesn't work that well when the person providing this "help" is not healthy herself, who uses him to focus her energy on instead of her where it should be herself.  This left my ex-husband, resentful and critical of me, and I stopped being a solution to his problems and became the cause of them in his mind.  Which as the relationship continued to fall apart, and the harder I tried to fix and failed, the more desperate I became.
  14. "You may have a tendency toward episodes of depression, which you try to forestall through the excitement provided by unstable relationship."  I have had 2 episodes of depression, the first was right after my rape.  The second was in 2014, and one of the reasons I began seeing a therapist.
  15. "You are not attracted to men who are kind, stable, reliable, and interested in you.  You find such 'nice' men boring."   This was true, I never wanted the nice guy.  I wanted the "bad boy" reformed by my love, but still a little dangerous.  I am very happy to say, this isn't the case any more, these are the exact qualities I want and in dating after my divorce if they were missing, the stable and reliable most importantly, I rejected them.
So if seems like a lot of self reflecting and self-analysis, that is because it was.  The 15 characteristics of a woman who loves too much was briefly described in chapter 1.  The  next 9 chapters discussed those 15 concepts in greater details, and with some examples from case studies.   "A Woman who loves too much is used to negative traits and behaviors, and she will be more comfortable with them than with their opposites unless and until she works very hard to change the facts for herself."  This is why my years of therapy were for me, I finally choose to change the facts for myself.
There were a few sections that really stood out to me.  The chapter about needing to be needed, spoke volumes to me about growing up too fast and learning how to take care of everyone but ourselves.  I didn't begin to learn to care for and love myself until I started my therapeutic journey in 2014, at the age of 34. 
I was amazing at denying, denying there were problems with my relationship and with myself.  This denial was a major contributing factor to my marriage ending.  First the issues was the denial itself, the fact that I painted that perfect couple image.  Then when I stopped denying, he was unable to face the truth himself. 
During my time in therapy, the more I healed, the more I faced my demons and faced my co-dependency and addiction to love (never called that by my therapist), the worse things got with my ex-husband.  The book takes about love addicts being married to alcohol or drug addicts who decide to get sober, and things getting worse for the woman because "His recovery made her lack of recovery to obvious for them to be comfortable together any longer."  Except in my case I was working on recovery and he was not.  Reflecting on this, I realize my recovery may have pushed him further into his addiction, and he absolutely did try to sabotage my recovery.  This does not mean I take responsibility for his addiction or his actions while high in any way. His choices were his and his alone, I cannot control his choices, then or now.  But I do acknowledge that may have had a part in his decision process, most likely on a subconscious level.  Understanding his potential state of mind, does not mean I have a responsibility or guilt for it. 
Another chapter that spoke deeply to me, was the chapter discussing the fairytale of Beauty and the Beast.   This as always been my favorite fairy tale, I always felt though that the general conception of the story was wrong.  It is generally thought that Beauty's love for the Beast is what transformed him into the prince.  And yes on the surface, that is what happened, but even as a small child I knew that there was more to the story, but I couldn't explain what it was.  Reflecting now, back on it, I couldn't explain it because I didn't understand the concept of acceptance.  Beauty and the Beast is about acceptance.  Beauty accepted the Beast for exactly who he was, she didn't want to change him, she didn't ask him to change for her.  She did not pity him, she saw both his good and bad attributes and loved him for the whole package.  Because of her attitude of acceptance, the Beast was freed to become his own best self.  His turning into a prince was a symbolic projection of Beauty being rewarded for her acceptance with her own perfect partner, and not a transformation of the Beast into something he wasn't.  This showed me that the place of acceptance of others and myself, that I am finally reaching, is a goal that I have been striving for since I was a girl.  A goal of who I wanted to be before I even fully understood what the it meant.  Acceptance and being accepting of others struck a chord and has remained there from a very early age, and I am finally able to realize that ability and practice it.
Of course this book doesn't just tell you how you are loving too much, it gives you 10 steps to recover.  I am proud to say that I have completed 9 of the 10 steps.
  1. Go for help.  This was me getting into therapy.
  2. Make your own recovery your first priority in life.  This was the first hurdle I had in therapy, making my therapy a priority.
  3. Find a support group of peers who understand.  This is the one thing I did not do, I never felt comfortable about going to an Al-Non meeting or any similar support group.  But I did turn to friends.
  4. Develop your spiritual side through daily practice.  I think this is why buddhism and the writings of Thich Nah Hahn spoke so strongly to me.
  5. Stop managing and controlling others.  This was letting go of the need to control other in my life and realizing that I can not control their choices and actions.  This was a very hard one to do, thank goodness my therapist was there to help me.
  6. Learn not to get "hooked" into games.  This is the dangerous one still, because I have children with my ex-husband there are custody issues, and this is where I am most likely to backslide.
  7. Courageously face your own problems and short comings.  Again therapy, and facing those demons.
  8. Cultivate whatever needs to be developed in yourself.  Continuing to grow as a person with books such as this, a process that will only end on the day I die.
  9. Become "selfish."  This one is hard too, but I have learned to ask for what I want and and need to take time for myself.
  10. Share with others what you have experienced and learned. This is why I blog, both with my other blog and this one.
After my divorce, I took some time off from men, I got my head on straight, I got to a place that based on my feelings, and confirmed by this book is a much healthier place relationship wise.  But I want to state clearly, that I no longer need to be in a relationship to be happy.  I was and am still able to be alone and find joy and be happy.  But I do enjoy being in a relationship, and I feel that because I did the work and learned to love myself, the relationship I have now is a healthy one, and many of the actions and habits that I previously did I am not repeating with my current relationship.  
The book described eros and agape love, Eros is the "passionate" love, the all consuming obsessive love.  A sense of suffering and a willingness to endure pain and hardship for the sake of the relationship.  That doesn't sound healthy does it, that sounds like my marriage and many of the relationships I had before it.  That sounds like exactly what I am working to not have.
So what I want is agape love.  "Agape: Real love is a partnership to which two caring people are deeply committed.  These people share many basic values, interests, and goals, and tolerate good-naturedly their individual differences.  The depth of love is measured by the mutual trust and respect they feel towards each other.  Their relationship allows each to be more fully expressive, creative and productive in the world.  There is much joy in shared experiences both past and present, as well as those that are anticipated.  Each views the other as his/her dearest and most cherished friend.  Another measure of the depth of love is the willingness to look honestly at oneself in order to promote the growth of the relationship and the deepening intimacy.  Associate with real love are feelings of serenity, security, devotion, understanding, companionship, mutual support and comfort." "For the trust and honesty of agape, must combine with the courage and vulnerability of passion in order to create true intimacy." The book explained it so concisely and exactly for what I want now that I had to quote it.  This is my goal now, this what I want and deserve from a relationship and I refuse to settle for anything less.  I refuse to manipulate my way here, only by accepting the other person for who they are, by allowing him to be who he is and by being who I am fully, can we reach this.  I think that I can recognize, strive for, and am currently cultivating such a relationship shows how far I have come in my journey.  
If any of this reminded you of yourself, I recommend this book.  I have touched on my personal revelations from this book, but there was so much more that didn't apply to me, but may to you.  

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

The Woman in the Window by A.J. Flinn (Read 1/20/18 to 1/21/18) - 4 star

This was a book from my #onceuponabookclubbox for January.  This book was marketed as "a twisty, powerful Hitchcockian thriller about an agoraphobic woman who believes she witnessed a crime in a neighboring house."  The story is told from the point of view of the main character, Anna Fox, a recluse in her New York City home, unable to venture outside.  Anna spends her days drinking wine, watching old movies, and spying on her neighbors.  Then the Russells move into the house across the way: a father, a mother, their teenage son, a seemingly perfect family.  But one night Anna sees something she shouldn't; and it leads to her world crumbling as reality meets the fiction she has created.
I was super excited when I saw the Gillian Flynn review on the cover. But I'm sad to say it doesn't live up to her writing.  If I was to compare it to anything, it would be The Girl on the Train.  Which I enjoyed greatly, so that is still high praise for this book, I was just hoping for a bit more I suppose.  I would, and in fact already have, recommend it to friends.  The story moves along nicely, the writing is good, and I really like Anna Fox.  She is a hot mess, but a likable and relatable hot mess.  I liked the mystery, it wasn't a completely new idea, but I enjoyed Flinn's spin on it.  The back story to Anna was pretty easy to decipher, I had it figured out by page 106.  The "villian" however did take me almost to the end of the book to figure out.  Overall this was a very enjoyable read, and I really wanted to find out who the killer or if there was one, it kept me turning pages fairly quickly.  

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Divorced from Justice by Karen Winner (Read 1/13/18 to 1/19/18) - 3 Stars

The second book from my pile was Divorced from Justice: The Abuse of Women and Children by Divorce Lawyers and Judges by Karen Winner.  This book was published in 1996, so it is outdated, sadly I can still see that even now 22 years later a lot of the same issues are present.  "An investigative reporter and former policy analyst, Winner exposes the corruption at the heart of the American legal system and demonstrates exactly why divorcing women -- more than half a million in the U.S. per year -- face terrible economic hardship after being processed through the legal system. This landmark expose, based on years of painstaking research and documented with compelling, real-life stories, paints a vivid picture of a divorce industry fueled by greed, favoritism and self-interest, and a judicial system that claims to value the sanctity of family yet allows unethical judges and attorneys to exploit and manipulate the laws for their own benefit." (Excerpt from back of book.)
This book would have gotten a higher rating if it had been more current, it got as high of a rating as it did because sadly it is still relevant.  It focused a lot on poor billing practices, which I am not sure are still prevalent, I had no issues at all with my lawyer's billing and I felt she was very reasonable and fair.  I wish it had focused a bit more on the bias issues, and it didn't touch at all on the issue of parent alienation, which I feel is a larger issue now.  It was eye opening as to the fact that some of these issues have been around for so long.  I feel the reading it after my divorce was final made no difference, the data is a little too outdated to be useful.  I wish the writer would do a revised version, she if and how things have changed in the last 22 years.

Sing Your own Song: A Guide for Single Moms by Cynthia Orange (Read 12.28.17 to 1/1/2018) - 3 Star

Well, I fell off the wagon last year, I published almost no blogs.  It was a year of recovery and change and finding my footing again.  I did read though, quite a bit actually.  I managed to read 66 books in 2017.  But I want to get back into the habit of blogging my reviews, so starting with the first book I read in 2018, lets do this.

I purchased as a "gift" to myself when I refinanced my house, most of my wish list from Thrift books, lots of them are considered self help, or self improvement books, there are also a ton of parenting books, so be prepared for a lot of non-fiction reviews this year.

The first book I choose from the pile was Sing Your Own Song: A Guide for Single Mothers by Cynthia Orange.  I finished it on the first so it barely made it into the 2018 year.    This is a book for single mothers about how to cope, finances, love etc.  It "brings equal parts information and inspiration to this pragmatic yet soulful guide for single moms. Managing time and money, juggling the demands of work and child care, balancing personal needs with parenting responsibilities-these are the everyday concerns Orange addresses with preach-free common sense and welcome candor. Interwoven with firsthand stories and experiences, Sing Your Own Song resonates with affirmation and support for single moms everywhere. "

Some things have changed in my life, and I'm not single but we haven't reached the point where I'm not a single-mother though either.  It's changing, and bit by bit my boyfriend is stepping into a parental role, but we aren't rushing it.  So reading this book gave me some mixed feelings, it was and it wasn't appropriate for my life stage.  At least that is how I felt until I read it.  There was a lot of great advice about how to parent.   That family isn't defined by anyone besides those who are in it.   That the relationship that I have with my best friend across the country, my best friend down the street, my boyfriend and my parents are all part of the definition that makes up "My Family" and that makes up the definition of family for my children.   That I have created a community, without realizing it, I have a strong support system for myself and my children.  That I take the time to take care of myself, that it isn't really taking away from my children as allowing me to be whole and that gives them more than running myself down ever could.

It wasn't until part 5, Raising Reslient Children, that I started to feel like the book was reaching out to me instating of just re-affirming my actions.   "It is not our job to protect our children from life.  It is our job to ready them to meet life's challenges with grace and confidence so they can discover how they might turn the challenges into opportunities."  I have always felt this way, but I hadn't been able to state in so cohesively before.  This section spoke to me, and gave some great tips about listening and how to really prepare my children in 10+ years to fly the nest.

I felt that this was a good book, I think that if I had read it a year ago I would have found it more helpful and probably have given it a 4 or a 5 star rating.  But it was more of a confirmation that I was on the right track, rather than assistance to get where I already am.